Great(ish) Expectations

Advice From A Random Stranger


I have never in the 7 years I’ve had (bad) credit, made a late payment. Ive had high balances, even over the limits and cancellations. But never a late payment. That is, until now, when I find myself  jobless and broke (Like $5.00 in my bank account for the past month broke).

My Etsy business failed this month, when my account was deactivated due to non-payment of fees. This being entirely my fault, I tried to reason with the not-so-nice man from the collection agency. This was when I realized that credit card companies and collection agencies are 2 completely different animals.

Credit card companies being the cute fluffy bunnies, and collection agencies being the dirty bubonic plague carrying rats in this rodent analogy. And they do fight dirty. As I explained to the man without a soul that I have been unemployed for some time, and am in the process of looking for a job, he responded with a level of snark that made me physically wince .

Having never been sent to collections, I never knew to expect the world of insults and shaming I experienced. Now that I am more prepared, I’ve worked out a couple things to try:

1. Turn the invasive questions around on the agent.

Like “Did you wet the bed a lot as a child?”

and “Did you hurt or kill small animals, then collect their skulls in a shrine?”

“Have you worked your way up to humans yet?”

“Do you like your life? Do you thrive on sitting under florescent lights berating strangers for 8 hours?”

“Can I speak to someone a little less dead inside?” (stole that one from this week’s episode of Whitney!)


2. Speak in a southern accent and ask if the accept food stamps or blow jobs as payment.

3. Sing Christmas carols until they hang up.

Yes, I know that it is my responsibility to honor my debts, and I have every intention of making that my utmost priority. But until I can do that, I plan to have a little fun. Life’s what you make it!


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This entry was posted on November 20, 2011 by in Life, Money and tagged , , , , , .
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